50 Ways to kill Hannah Burley
by DARWIN51
Summary: Love Brennan and Booth? Hate Hannah Burley? Read on.
1. Prompts

This story is for all the Hannah haters or the B&B lovers. My friend and I are writing chapters separately, but we wrote the first one together. No, we're not sadistic, we just don't really like Hannah Burley.

Here are the prompts, in no particular order. This is made to be an installation of 50, but as you can see we don't have all of them yet so suggestions are open and greatly welcomed. Ones with a J in the beginning are by me and ones with an A in the beginning my friend wrote.

We do not own Bones. If we did: A says: Brennan and Booth would be together and Vincent would be alive (and I'm assuming she wants Zack back too) If J owned Bones: They would all be rockstars touring Mars in a band called the "Filipino Bathtubs" with a Mexican vegetarian named Steak who has the power to control people's minds…..only when he's eating corn.

Prompts:

Baked Burley

Take bullet for Vincent Nigel-Murray

Mauled by a Bear

Hannah got ran over by a reindeer

Live autopsy (personally I think that's a little violent but my friend's having fun with it)

Frelt

Shark Tank

Strangled by Cocky belt buckle

Impaled on a fence

Turn her into a clown

Hannah and Cam sissy fight

Chuck Norris (self-explanatory)

Drowning in puddle

Steamroller (inspired by Zombieland)

Ninjas

Fig tree (tell me if you get it)

Eaten by Zack

Run over by a car

Ok I don't know how many that is, but it's clearly not 50. Please send requests for chapters and we'll try to accommodate your ideas!

Thanks so much and don't be a hater


	2. Baked Burley

J&A

Recipe: Baked Burley

Serves: 4 squints and 1 agent

Prep time: 10 mins Cook time: 30 mins

Ingridents:

1 Hannah Burley

1 Trader Joe's frozen pie crust

1 can cherry filling

1 stick butter

Step 1: Chop Burley into cubes, stir well

Step 2: Add in ½ stick scorching hot melted butter, stir well

Step 3: line extra large pan with pie crust

Step 4: Add Burley/butter mix and cherry filling in blender, set on liquefy

Step 5: Pour into pie pan, cover with rest of butter

Step 6: bake at 650˚F for 30 minutes or until golden brown

Slice and enjoy! Just kidding!

Tip: Serve with Fiesta Rice

Comment and review! Don't be a hater


	3. Impaled on Fence

J

Shout out to all the Buffalonians! This chapter is based on ACTUAL EVENTS! Some deer have been accidentally impaling themselves on the fence in Williamsville Cemetery while trying to jump over it! My neighbor is the spokesperson for the cemetery. The above one hundred percent true. The below is not.

The Hannah Burley, frolicking freely in its natural habitat, eating flowers, taking candy from babies, kicking puppies, hitting on other Seeley Booths.

As the Hannah Burely approaches a foreign object, a border of some kind, it sees a Seeley Booth on the other side and feels the sudden overpowering need to be with it.

The Hannah Burley takes a couple steps back, then charges full speed, steam blowing out its ears.

It leaps, and soars over the fence, until gravity decides it hates the Hannah Burley and yanks it down on the sharp pole of the fence.

Lesson: Don't piss off gravity

Comment and review! Don't be a hater.

Did anyone see the move Killers with Ashton Kutcher (hott!) the girl who plays Hannah burely gets impaled by a swinging chandelier made of moose antlers!


	4. Take Bullet for Vincent

J

Based on ep. Hole in the Heart.

A/N sitting on my couch the morning after Hole in the Heart, watching it for the first time, crying my eyes out, hockey stick in one hand in case of burglar, remote in the other, bowl of cereal in my lap: Sweets-Don't blame yourself for this, Booth. Booth- I don't blame myself for this. *Jump up, spilling cereal* Me: I BLAME YOU FOR THIS BOOTH! *then throw hockey stick at the tv*

This chapter is more being mad at Booth, because even though we all love him, he can be a real idiot sometimes. This chapter describes how he can be and idiot with Vincent, and he never talked to Zack.

Please go to

Here we go:

*Phone rings*

RIIINNGGGGGGGG

Booth-Oh look! It's a violent serial killer, Vincent, why don't you answer it?

Vincent-Good Idea Agent Booth, anything to please my superiors!

RIIINNGGGGGG

Booth-Don't answer it yet

Vincent-Yes sir!

RIINNNGGGG

Booth-Don't answer it yet!

RIINNNGGGGG

Bren-Booth Hurry!

Booth-Don't rush me woman!

RIINNGGGGGGG

Booth- oh look, it says he's really close by, why don't you pick it up Vincent?

Vincent-What do I say?

Bren-Just….try to sound like Booth

Vincent-Oh yes I can totally pull that off, I have an accent! (a/n which I LOVE!)

Bren-Just do your best American accent impression!

Vincent- *answers phone* I vud ike to buy an amburter! (Pink panther refrence if you don't get it)

Bren-MY SPIDEY SENSES ARE TINGLING! *Grabs an extra Hannah burley and puts it in front of Vincent, Hannah gets hit with the cool looking bullet*

Booth- That was a close one!

Vincent- *Hands phone to Booth* It's for you….

*In loving memory Vincent Nigel-Murray, rest in peace*


	5. Hannah got run over by a reindeer

Songfic for Grandma got run over by a reindeer. If you haven't heard the song this chapter will make no sense so listen to it before you read this!

In the last chapter I said 'please go to' but the link didn't show up so its 'bring back zack dot com' for those of you who want to bring Zack Addy back to Bones! Let's do it!

(Chorus)

Hannah got run over by a reindeer

We're all just glad she didn't marry Booth

You can say she wasn't all that bad

But we all like Brennan and Booth together

She set out on a road trip

To chase her childhood dream

To find Santa and his reindeer

But they found her and it was quite a scene

When they found her the next morning

All decomposed and unidentifiable

Booth and Brennan were called to investigate

They found out that it was Hannah

…and they danced

Ohhhh

Hannah got run over by a reindeer

We're all just glad she didn't marry Booth

You can say she wasn't all that bad

But we all like Brennan and Booth together

When Cam performed the autopsy

And the results finally came back

They proved that Hannah Burley

Was an idiot and deserved to be attacked

Ohhh

Hannah got run over by a reindeer

We're all just glad she didn't marry Booth

You can say she wasn't all that bad

But we all like Brennan and Booth together

Now I'm having too much fun

Killing Hannah in this fic

And I hope you enjoy the next one

Because it also involves killing Daisy Wik!

The end

I looked up the lyrics to the actual song and I found this line and laughed so hard: They should never give a licenses to a man who drives a sled and plays with elves! LOL


	6. Eaten by Zack

J

Thanks to bones4lifee for helping me with this story. Not this chapter though, she's too lazy to walk down and give me the chapters she's written.

Forgot to put a J on the last one but that's written by me also.

Zack escapes from a mental hospital

Zack-I'm feeling extra hungry today….

*goes to Jeffersonian*

Zack-Ooh, an Angela…..yum!

Angela- NO! Bad Zack! Don't eat me.

Zack- But…Zack hungry…*tearing up*

Angela-Have a Hannah Burley instead!

Zack-A….Hannah Burley? Zack no comprehend.

Angela-You can find them in the freezer section: a pre cooked Baked Burley! It comes in Cherry, Cinnamon, Traditional, and Boston Crème!

Zack- Zack hungry…grrr..hannah burley….grrrr…boston crème. Must find Hannah Burley….and boston crème!

Zack leaves Angela's office and finds Hodgins

Zack- yummm….a Hodgins!

KING OF THE LAB! Hodgins screeches then hits Zack over the head with a frozen turkey.

Zack-Ehh..no Hodgins for Zackie

Hodgins- Have a dose of a Baked Burley instead! Now with 80% less nutritional value than other leading brands!

Zack-Grr….BakedBurley…..nutritional value…..leading brands….other…

Zack leaves the lab and spots Dr. Brennan outside

Zack-Zack hungry…yumm! A Dr. Br-

Brennan-(interrupts) NO! BACK! I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY! Don't touch me!

Zack- *crying now* Zack just hungry! And his hands hurt..

Dr.B-Anthropologically speaking, your gait suggests that you are looking for a Baked Burley. They go great with Fiesta Rice.

Zack-That I am…yum.

Dr.B- There's a market right across the street that carries them.

Zack-…..in Boston Crème?

Dr.B-and all new Glazed!

Zack runs across the street, is hit by a car, his arm falls off but he doesn't care, he just keeps going.

Daisy-Welcome to the Burley Butchery! My name is Daisy Wik, how may I help you?

Zack eats Daisy because she's just so annoying

As a Daisy Wik is eaten, somewhere out there a Lance Sweets smiles.

Zack Spots the Baked Burleys and goes after them but then sees a real Hannah Burley and eats that instead

The end.

Also! Forgot to add on the prompts page a chapter about a commercial for killing Burleys, will be the next chapter coming in like 10 mins!woo! reviews much appreciated, suggest any way to kill Hannah and we may use it!

Thanks for being awesome!


	7. Commercial

J

*sad image of a starving Seeley Booth, dramatic sad piano music plays*

Every day…..

Four Seeley Booths die because of Hannah Burleys.

Others are lost, starved, broken, dumped, rejected, and left to die.

*piano music gets slightly happier*

But YOU can help.

*inspirational violins play*

YOU can help make a change.

Buy a Baked Burley and 10¢ of every purchase will go to killing off those evil pesky Hannah Burleys for good.

In fact, none(sounds like nine)out of ten doctors recommend Baked Burleys. Dr. Phil quotes: "Buy a Baked Burley, Kill a real one. For the Booths!"

Kill a Burley, save a Booth.

Sponsored by Fiesta Rice. OLAY!

a/n I know its short but money's tight! Ya cant have really long commercials right?


	8. Frelted

J

If anyone watches NCIS: Los Angeles (cause honestly, it's better than NCIS) You can skip this next part if you've seen the episode. If not, allow me to explain. Frĕltĕd(verb)-frozen, then melted (past tense)

In the show, a guy named Eric got locked in a space craft test chamber specifically designed to test durability in extreme temperatures, he was almost frelted.

Involves characters from NCIS: LA

Nell-I checked the security cameras and I found out who tried to frelt you.

Eric-Who?

Nell- Some freak named Hannah Burley

Callen- 1,2,3!

*Callen and Sam break down Hanna's door*

Sam-Grab her!

Kensi and Deeks tie her up and tape her mouth shut. Then they stuff her in a bag and drag her to the car.

The team takes her back to the frelting chamber and toss her in and lock her up.

Sam-(into earpiece) Start 'er up, Eric.

The chamber starts up, and it gets really hot, and the Burley Bakes, then it gets really cold, and the Burley freezes. The chamber dings and the door swings open.

The team enjoys a homemade Baked Burley back at the lab.

The end

Okay, so in the show the chamber got cold, then hot, but I figured since this is how you make a Baked Burley, I could switch it around. Speaking of cooking and other awesome shows, my friend and I are going to attempt to make Fries Quatro Queso Dos Fritos (Psych) this weekend, wish us luck!


	9. Buried Alive

A

A:N/ Booth, Brennan, Angela, Hodgins, the Gravedigger and Cam are all O.O.C. Sweets is not. My first fanfic; don't hate. (I'm the lazy friend by the way)

Seeley Booth felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was a call from an unknown number. Booth flipped his phone opened with caution.

"Booth"

"Agent Booth, Hannah Burley has been buried alive. You must wire $2 Million into my account. You know who it is, right? It's me! The gravedigger! Hahaha, well Seeley I feel as if I have made you a happy man! Anyways… she will die from lack of oxygen in 24 hours. This is my last communication." The person (the Gravedigger) hung up.

Immediately Booth shot up out of his seat and started cheering. He got weird glances from people all over the diner. He decided it was beginning to get very awkward so he decided to go outside. When he threw the money down on the table and reached the doors, he texted his closest 'friends.'

To: Bones, Hodgins, Angela, Camille, Wendell, and Sweets.

Hannah has been buried alive! THIS IS A VERY HAPPY DAY! This is going to **all** of you. Angela, please call me as soon as you get this. Party at the lab tomorrow at this time.

-Booth

After about a minute after Booth sent the text, his phone rang.

"Booth"

"Hey, Hannahs been buried alive, huh?"

"YES!" He said a little too excitedly

"And there's a party…why?"

"Because she was a horrible person"

"Will there be food?"

"YES!"

"Ok, I'll be there. This is the BEST. DAY. EVER."

"I need you to do me a favor," Booth didn't wait for a response, he just kept talking. "I need a life sized piñata of you-know-who. We can you your office, right? Ok good"

"Whoa, slow down there. You want a piñata and you want to have the party… in my office?"

"YES!"

"All right, I'll get right to work."

"Thanks Ang"

"Whatever"

Angela hung up with Booth and immediately got to work. She grabbed the remote to the Angelatron and went to the paint application. She opened and text box and wrote:

HAHAHA. This is called KARMA you b*tch! Go die in a hole, literally.

Hate,

Everyone in the world

(Especially us squints, we hate you)

She got out some newspaper and supplies to make paper mache and did a life-size replica of Hannah Burley. (a.k.a the accursed one) Brennan got Hannah's least favorite foods: Wong Fu's, Pizza rolls, and Roast Beef. Sweets put together a Playlist on his iPod of Hannah's least favorite songs by Lady Gaga, Train, and the Beatles.

Booth didn't sleep much last night, he was too excited.

When everyone arrived the next day, the room was perfect. Anti-Burley posters hung on the walls, the piñata was hanging from the ceiling from its ankles, and little X'd out Burley faces hung in the doorway.

"Ang, I love it. I think I like it too much" Brennan commented with a slight laugh. They ate food and danced to music. Finally, it was piñata time!

Booth was first. He got on his knees, spat on her face and then bashed her head off with a baseball bat. Brennan took the bat and jabbed her on the chest.

"The blunt force trauma to this area of the-"

"Enough, Bones. Please? This is supposed to be fun. Not an anthropology lesson.

"Oh, I apologize" Booth gave her a forgiving smile.

Hodgins and Angela each knocked off an arm. Cam, in her high heels, stomped around on what was on the floor. Wendell, who didn't know Hannah all that well, hit her legs with all his strength and sent her spinning through the air and plummeting to the ground. Everyone cheered and clapped Wendell on the back. Sweets stood around and watched their behavior. He, of course, took mental notes. The Booth got up and made a toast.

"To Burley, who, hopefully, is rotting in HELL!" Everyone cheered and then were startled when a loud buzzer went off in the room. They all looked around to see what was going on. Angela smiled and pointed to the Angelatron. There was a big red timer behind her banner. The time had reached 0:00.

They all shared puzzled looks and finally realized what the countdown clock was for. Cam was the first one to realize this.

"Angela, is she dead now?" Cam asked.

Angela shook her head and smiled as far as her face would let her.

"SHES DEAD!" Angela yelled. Everyone threw their hand up in the air and screamed in excitement. These past two days have been the best!

"This is abnormal behavior" Sweets said. They all shot him a look.

R&R!


	10. Shark Tank

A

A/N: I couldn't help but put Parker in this story, I love him and his little blonde curls!

Booth and Parker set up their air mattress on the ground by the other aquarium campers.

"Dad?" Parker asked nervously.

"Yeah bud?"

"I-I" He sighed. "I invited Hannah."

"WHAT?" Booth yelled

"Sorry dad, she came to my school an-"

"She came to your school?" Booth asked

"Yeah, the day Aunt Angela picked me up. Before Ang got there, I invited her. I hope you're not mad."

"What did Aunt Angela do?"

"She yelled and stuff."

"And stuff?"

"Hannah said some of those nasty words you told me never to say."

"What happened next?"

"I stomped on Hannah's shoe, Aunty Ange pushed her onto a bench."

"Way to go Ange!"

"There she is Dad." Hannah ran in her high heels over to Parker and gave him a hug.

"Parker I'm so sorry for the day at school." She put Parker down because he was struggling.

"Seeley, I didn't know you were coming."

"I am his father, and you are his….nothing."

Hannah rolled her eyes at his comment. Parker stood by his father. The first place they were going was the shark tank. The aquarium held a contest, the winner got to go up and see the top of the shark tank, where they fed the sharks from.

"And our winner is," The aquarium tour guide pulled a small purple ticket out of a bowl full of them. "Parker Booth and his family!" Parker's face lit up.

"Yes! DAD HANNAH we get to go up on the SHARK TANK!" This is the best day ever except I wish you," He pointed to Hannah "were Bones. She's smarter than you." Hannah, once again, rolled her eyes and walked away. Booth had an idea.

*later*

Booth watched intently at all the things the aquarium guide did to get to the shark tank. He memorized everything they did and all the codes.

"Whoa dad! This is awesome. Look at that one," then he lowered to a whisper "it looks like it would rip Hannah to shreds!" Booth laughed evilly.

Later, when everyone in their tour group was asleep on the floor, Booth woke Parker and Hannah.

"Hey, Hannah, there's part two to our tour! C'mon guys. Let's go!"

Booth led them the way he remembered. He got them up to the tank. They talked for a while and then the sharks began to come closer. Booth knew it was time.

"Alright. Parker, Hannah, time to stand up. Here's the surprise." He knew Hannah couldn't swim.

"Shark bait, hoo ha ha" Parker chanted.

"Wha-" Hannah started, but it was too late.

Booth got her close to the edge and, with all his might, pushed her in the water. Within seconds he saw all the blood float to the top.

"This is abnormal" Parker said as he laughed with pleasure.

Booth shot him a look.

Epilogue by J:

"…And in other news, some sharks at the D.C. Aquarium have been getting sick for no apparent reason. The vet was unable to find anything unusual about their diet, and water samples have been taken but show no traces of anything abnormal, although a small chunk of human bone was found among the rocks, but that's likely from a murder investigation from earlier this year when one of the fish burped up a human skull. Back to you, Joe."


	11. Burley under the tires

A

Brennan finally got to drive her car to a crime scene. Before they went out to the field, they stopped for coffee. Brennan let her car park itself and then they went inside. As they entered, the bells on the door jingled and the barista looked up. They walked hand in hand up to the counter.

"Hi, how may I help you?"

"I would like a decaf chai latte." Brennan said.

"A small black, please" Booth added.

"$3.79" the cashier added. Just then they heard the bells on the door. Still holding Bren's hand, Booth turned his head to see who was walking in. The bouncing blonde curls and big eyes were unmistakable. Burley. Booth turned around and pretended not to see her. But it was too late.

"Hi Seeley!"

"You know Temperance is here too."

"Oh, I didn't recognize her. You guys are-" her voice slowly trailed off.

"Having a baby," Bren turned around to show her the ring. "and engaged? Then yes."

"Engaged? And a baby? Which came first?" She said with a snarl.

"Hannah!" Booth snapped. Brennan turned to the barista and whispered "Please spit in the bxtchy blonde's coffee" and handed him a 10 dollar bill. He nodded and smiled.

"Lets' get outta here Bones." They grabbed their coffees and walked out the door. After about 2 minutes Hannah ran after them.

"Um, excuse me?"

"yes?" Brennan asked.

"I wasn't don't talking to Seeley. I asked you guys a question". She sipped her coffee. Brennan chuckled to herself. Booth gave her a look like 'what was that for?'

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing" Hannah stood next to Booth's window. She began to walk over to Brennan's side.

"FLOOR IT!" Booth yelled. Brennan gave it all she could and slammed on the gas. Brennan hit Hannah right on. She had enough force to send Hannah flying through the air. They looked out the windshield and watched Hannah plummet to the ground. Brennan and Booth shared a laugh. Brennan drove over to Hannah and ran her over. "Can you program your car to do that?" Booth asked. They laughed and drove off.


	12. Live Autopsy

A

Editing by J

A/N okay I have to admit this one was very fun for me to read and A to write I guess because that's what she said.

Bright lights and familiar faces. That is what Hannah Burley saw when she opened her eyes. Camille Saroyan. Temperance Brennan. Seeley Booth. Angela Montenegro. Jack Hodgins. Lancelot Sweets. Wendell Bray. They were all there.

"This is doctor Camille Saroyan conducting today's autopsy on Hannah M. Burley. Today's date is Sunday, May 29th, 2011. We will start the autopsy by making a 'Y' Shaped incision on the subject's chest." Cam paused the tape and chuckled and handed the knife to Booth.

"Whoa? Me? Really? Booth said. Booth took the knife in his hands and made a V shaped incision across her chest, and a line down to her stomach. She was awake during the procedure. Her mouth was duct taped shut so it could mask her screams. Angela snapped on some gloves along with Brennan. Together, they took out her heart and lungs.

"Oh my god! Yucky!" Angela shrieked. She felt Hannah's black hole in her hands. "It's a black hole! I always knew she was heartless."

"It feels like a….ohmygod!" Angela said.

"Can I…." Sweets said cautiously.

"Of course." Angela handed him the black hole. "But be careful-"

But it was already too late.

"AHHHhhhhhh….." Sweet's voice trailed off as he was sucked into the black hole, forever lost.

Angela put the heart in the bowl along with the lungs. By now, Hannah was unconscious.

"Here you go, doctor Hodgins.: Cam handed Hodgins the scalpel. He made an incision from one ear to the other and then an arc connecting the two. He then took a large electric saw and sawed the bone beneath the flesh corresponding to the incision he had made.

"Here Mr. Bray, take off that part of the skull. I'll make an incision to examine the stomach contents."

Wendell took off the fraction of the skull that Hodgins had cut.

"Where's the brain?" Booth asked. Wendell stuck his hand inside of her head and felt around. Finally he pulled out a pinkish colored matter the size of a baseball.

"That's it?" Brennan and Angela asked at the same time as they chuckled.

"She's blonde." Said Booth. Everyone who actually go the joke laughed and the rest just stared wondering what that had meant.

Cam emptied the stomach contents into a bowl. "Alright, we have some fiesta rice-"

"OHMYGOD those go great with a Bake Burley!" Brennan interrupted.

"oh the irony…." Angela chuckled to herself.

"Thank you, Doctor Brennan. Aright, we have fiesta rice, puppies, and rocky road ice cream." Cam finished.

"Hannah eats puppies?" Booth asked in disgust.

"Never mind that! Where did she get the Rocky Road! Everywhere I go it's always gone!" Angela raged.

"That's nasty" Wendell commented, ignoring Angela's comment.

"That's cruel" Brennan said, also ignoring Angela.

"Unreal" Booth stated in awe, but _he_ was talking about the ice cream.

"This is abnormal" Came Sweet's voice from a faraway place.

A: A/N I tried not to be too disgusting, there is so much more I wanted to say…but this is rated T. OOC everyone because we all know they would never do this.

J: ….maybe.


	13. Fig Tree

A

Booth had just finished the crappiest sex he has ever had. Hannah was boring. And, it smelled like figs. It was hot in Afghanistan. The shade of the fig tree cooled it down.

Booth hated figs. He never should have rescued her. He talked about Bones, a lot. Hannah always wondered who "Bones" was. A girlfriend? His wife? Partner? She didn't care because she was a heartless person. She knew she might be the 'other woman', but that never bothered her. She went along being her nasty self.

They sat under the fig tree for a while. Booth fell asleep he was so bored.

"Seeley?" Hannah asked. "Who's your 'Bones'?"

"She's my partner."

"Partner Partner or just Partner?"

"She is my work partner, her real name is Temperance Brennan, world renowned Forensic Anthropologist."

"You work with her?"

"Yes, is there a problem with that?"

"No, I mean she's pretty and all, but you belong to me." She stated with a tone.

"Belong?"

"Well, yeah."

"No Hannah, I don't 'belong' to anyone. Especially you."

"Whoa Seeley? What's wrong?"

"You are an ugly slut. You don't know Temperance. At all. Not to mention that you have bad sex. Horrible sex. I bet my cousin is better. And she's 12! Not to mention your lack of knowledge on…well anything. Bones knows almost everything except how to act in a social situation, which you also lack in. Also, that camera you always have in front of you….yeah. It makes you look fat."

A wide-eyed teary-eyed Hannah looked at booth with anger and disgust. Booth stood up and started to walk away.

"Clothes, Seeley"

"Yeah."

Just then the fig tree fell over and crushed Hannah's neck. Booth clapped once, got dressed, and walked away.


	14. Knife Throwing

J

**A/N-**check out John Francis Daley (Sweets) on Freaks and Geeks when he was like 14. Nickelodeon has it now, I never could find it before…it also has young Rashida Jones and James Franco! LOL

All in the voice of the ringmaster, unless otherwise mentioned.

"Alrighty folks! Give it up for Will Ferret the elf doing back flips on an elephant!" The ringmaster cheered. "Up next, we have Buck the knife thrower and his lovely assistant Wanda! Oh, what's that?...yes…oh, right, the microphone's still on."

"Okay folks, looks like Wanda wasn't able to make it today."

**Collective aww**

"But he has a temporary replacement tonight…Hannah? Is that how you say it? Just Hannah? That's lame. Oh, right, microphone still on."

"Give it up for Hannah…."

**Collective Boo**

"Here they are! Now first, Buck will attempt to pop the balloons on the board behind her, only by throwing the knives from 20 feet away!"

"Here's the wind up…perfect throw and…."

POP

"He got one! Right above the head! That was straight on! But he doesn't look too happy about it…"

**Collective Boo**

"Alrighty, next one, he rears back, and the pitch!"

*stabbing sound, accompanied by a crunch*

"AAnd a perfect hit!"

**Collective cheer**

"Did I hear that hit bone?"

Wanda- "Yes, actually it appears to have struck between the medial epicondyle and the capitulum, so approximately on the trochlea."

**Collective confusion**

"SO it hit her elbow? Yes, thank you, we can all see that."

"Okay going for the next one"

*stabbing sound*

Wanda-"Ooh, right in the acromoin!"

"Yes…her shoulder…thank you."

Buck-"Wanda, what are you doing here I thought you 'couldn't make it' *whispers* _it was part of our plan, remember?"_

Wanda-*stuffing her face with popcorn* "Sorry, I just couldn't miss this!"

"Heeeres the next throw…"

Lights flash and the Hannah Burley sparks, twitches, and flails about the board she was strapped to.

"EVERYONE DUCK AND COVVER! SHES GONNA BLOW!"

BOOMMM!

"…It appears that Buck has hit Hannah straight in the stomach, causing her to malfunction and short-circuit. She has exploded."

**Collective loudest cheer of..ever**

The midget crew, part of the circus, comes skipping out, singing "Stab, bzzt, the witch is dead. The witch is dead!"

"Stab bzzt?" Buck asks.  
>"Ding-Dong" A midget squeals, squeezing Buck's nose.<br>"Ding-Dong is so last century." Another informs him.

"Ding-Dong the wicked witch is deaddd!" the crowd cheers happily.

A/N Yeah don't we wish?


	15. Those Pesky Hormones

J

Thanks to MsRecDirect for suggesting this chapter idea. Keep telling us how you want to see Hannah killed! I have to say, Brennan is one of the most fun characters I've had the privilege of working with. Once again, we don't own Bones.

Hannah Burley waltzes into the Jeffersonian. "Hey hot stuff." She tells Booth.

Brennan growls as she stands behind Booth, rubbing her belly. "It's okay honey, let me do the talking." Booth reassures her.

Booth steps forward. "What are you doing here, Hannah? This is a private lab, you know."

"I was sent to take pictures for the DC newspaper."

"Well stay away from us."

*LATER*

Hannah knelt down, taking pictures of an exhibit. Brennan approached her, preparing for a friendly chat about how she and Booth were together now, and how Hannah needed to back the hell off. She saw the blond swivel her camera in a new direction. Brennan quickly ducked behind a corner to avoid being seen. Hannah started snapping pictures of something in rapid succession. Bren turned her head to see what the pics were of. Booth was walking by looking hot, Hannah was taking pictures with a sly grin on her face. _Stalker!_ She thought. But, she remembered what Booth had said. She ran to tell Booth.

*LATER STILL*

"Alright, I'll talk to her, okay? I'll tell her she needs to stay away from both of us and get a life. Because we are having a baby!" Booth said tickling Bren's extended belly. "That's incorrect, _I'm_ having a baby. You are just the father. Men can't give birth to a baby, they don't have a-" "Okay okay Bones, geez. It's something people say. "Fine. Just go talk to her so she can leave us alone." Brennan grumbled.

*LATER FOR THE LAST TIME*

"Hannah, we need to talk." Booth addressed her, just outside the Egyptian exhibit.

"Sure sweetie. Let's go somewhere more…_private._" She pulled Booth into the exhibit room, and pushed him against a wall. "So…" She hissed in his ear. "You wanted to…._talk_?"

"Um, no, Hannah, I wanted to tell you to BACK OFF. Brennan and I are going to be married. And she's having our baby. So leave us alone."

"Fat chance, Boothie Boy, cause I'm a Booth Babe." She tickled his neck.

"Hey! I carry a weapon, you know!" Booth cried.

"Now now, you don't have to get all defensive. Just because you two are having a baby doesn't mean-"

"YAAAH!" Brennan screeched, jumping out from behind a pharaoh tomb. She whacked Hannah on the head with a sistrom (and Egyptian musical instrument like maracas)

"_I_ am having a baby! Get your anatomy right!" Bren tells her.

Hannah clutches her neck dramatically and falls to the ground and gasps like a dying fish. "I see the light…" Brennan whacks her again. "Oww! What has gotten into you?" She whines.

"HIS DICK!" Brennan shouts then beats Hannah to death with the Egyptian maracas.

**REVIEW!**


	16. Bullet in the Bitch

-A

Bullet in the b*tch

Booth felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

"Booth"

"Mr. Booth? This is Doctor James Howard. I'm here with…Hannah Burley. She has been shot and is badly hurt and is probably going to die"

"YESSSSSS! I mean *cough* I will be right there" With that he hung up the phone and ran over to pick up Brennan to go celebrate... I mean mourn at the hospital.

"Booth, what are you doing here? Where are you taking me?" She asked as he dragged her to the car.

"Hannahs been shot"

A look of happiness crossed Brennan's face.

"We have to keep it professional."

"SAYS WHO?" Booth yelled

Booth flipped on the lights and sirens and rushed over to the hospital. He ran as fast as he could up to the 5th floor and into Hannah's room.

"Hey…baby?" Booth said

"Hi Booth, what's _she_ doing here" she gasped, obviously out of breath.

"She came to say hi"

"Or goodbye" Brennan whispered into Booth's ear. He giggled at her comment. Hannah shook of her frustration and closed her eyes. Brennan walked to the other side of the room to where the X- rays were hanging on the light on the wall.

"Booth, come here please"

"What is it Bones?"

"See here?" she pointed to a bone on the X-ray

"Yeah"

"This fragment of bone chipped off from the tibia and is here" she moved her finger up the X-ray to where the artery was. "When she walks the fragment of bone will puncture the artery and she will bleed out internally"

"REALLY?"

"Yes Booth, really, I do not joke around"

"Gee, well don't tell Hannah that, it will ruin all the fun"

"Fun? Oh yes. Wee?"

"She will DIE"

*DUN DUN DUN*

"Sorry, my cell phones ringing" Brennan said "Its Angela"

"Brennan, mhmm, no, yes, yes, I will be there shortly. Thanks Angela"

"That was Angela"

"What did she want?"

"She invited us to play mini golf"

"MINI GOLF?"

"Yeah! Let's go!"

"Bye bitch"

***NEXT WEEK***

"I have the obituary"

"Why would you have that?" Booth asked

"Hannah is in it"

"Really?"

"Yes Booth, really."

"How did she die?"

"Internal bleeding" Brennan laughed.

"HAHA!"

"I don't get it"

**REVIEW**


	17. Fire on the Devil

A

It was Halloween night, Hannah, of course, was alone. She got on her devil costume and was out the door (yes, she is going trick-or-treating) Hannah, being her stupid drunk self, went to every house in the D.C. area.

Then she came to Brennan's apartment, which was intricately designed with politically correct jack-o-lanterns. Angela helped her carve them.

In her apartment, Brennan and Booth sit on her couch watching The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Brennan made many comments about the fictional characters and how unrealistic the cartoon was. Booth, who chuckled at each of Brennan's comments, enjoyed his partners company.

Then Brennan's doorbell rang.

Thinking it was the delivery guy, Booth opened the door with the money.

"How much is it?" Then he looked up to see Hannah. "Hannah?"

"Seeley?"

"What are you doing here?"

She pointed to the costume. Then Brennan came to the door.

"Burley?"

"Brennan?"

"Ladies!" Booth yelled.

They both stared at him in awe. Brennan stepped out into the hallway, shoved Hannah to the ground, and threw the pumpkins on her. Instantly, Hannah started on fire. Booth put his hands out to warm them.

"mm mm toasty." Brennan said.

**REVIEW!**


	18. Boothy the Hannah slayer

J

A/N sorry about how long it took to update, I bought myself a Scooby Doo coloring book and just completely got distracted for weeks. ;)

"Oh honey, I'm home!" Boothy says, entering the stage and tipping his hat. Bren comes rushing into the scene, wearing an apron, oven mitts, and her hair pulled back into a bun.

The audience cheers and applauses

"Let me get that for you, dear!" She fusses to remove his jacket as he sets down his briefcase.

"Where are my children!" He jokes happily as they run to his arms. "Daddy, Daddy!" "Hello Cindy-Lou and William." Boothy greets his children.

"How was work, honey?" Bren asks. "Oh, wonderful! I was doing charity work. We were building houses for the homeless boys and girls, and feeding abandoned puppies by hand." He boasts. "More like killing Hannahs." He mutters under his breath while turning his head to the side and pulling down sunglasses he wasn't wearing before.

Laughter

Suddenly, a Hannah peeks through the window. "Hey! Look over there!" Boothy points in the other direction, whips out his laser gun, and shoots the Hannah behind their back. They turn back to him as he puts his gun away. "Look at what, dear?" Bren asks.

"Oh, nothing, it must have passed." He says. "Well, time for dinner, the Baked Burley is in the oven."

"Yaay! Our favorite!" The cliché children cried. "And, I'm making the personal sized ones so you two don't fight over the eyeballs."

"Yeah!" Boothy opens the refrigerator to get some pop, and saw one of those mini-burleys running around, dashing behind the milk carton.

"Shoot" Boothy muttered as he reached for it, knocking over the pickles.

"Something wrong, dear?" Bren asks.

"Uh, just a fly. Mind getting me a fly swatter?" "Sure, dear. Give this to daddy." The perfect child handed the swatter to Boothy, who smacked around in the refrigerator until the Burley was dead.

"Ahh, time for dinner." But he heard an evil cackle outside the house.

"I have to get the, uh…mail." Boothy said, leaving the house. He saw the Burley and aimed his ray gun, but then the Burley was konked over the head by _another_ blond.

"Now to finish you off, Rex!"

"Rex? Who the hell?"

She went after him, but he easily flipped her onto her back and stabbed her with a stake.

The audience cheers wildly.

"Yet another day at the Boothy residence." He says happily.

**REVIEW**


	19. The Burley in Fire

J

A/N- sorry for the long time between updates. Mind the gap. (let me know if you know what that means) anyways I've been at camp and A is too lazy. But we are working again, and it won't be so long anymore so have faith! Yeah…on with it.

"Booth." Booth answered his phone.

"Hey Seeley, it's Hannah. I just wanted to let you know that I'm having a birthday party on Saturday, are you coming?"

"Uh, a birthday party? Aren't you a little old for that?"

"Are you calling me old?"

"What? No…"

"Say yes." Brennan told Booth from next to him. "Say yes to the invitation."

"What? Why?"

"Because. Just do it. Trust me." Brennan said.

"Hannah?" Booth asked.

"Yes?"

"I'll be there."

"YAAAAAAA-"

Booth hung up. "Okay, now what?"

Brennan whispered her plan in his ear. Booth smiled.

~Saturday~

"Happy birthday to Hannah…" Everyone sang. The only people who showed up were Booth and the people Hannah hired.

"Hannah. I have a surprise for you."

"YAAAAA-"

"Come on, this way." Booth cut her off.

"You have to put on this blindfold first."

"Okay!" Hannah sang, not at all suspicious.

Booth tied the knot tight then kept walking. He turned around and shot the clown Hannah had hired.

"What was that?"

"Uh, the Ice cream truck backfired."

"Oh, Okay!"

_dumbass. _Booth thought to himself, especially because they were in the middle of a freaking field and there was no ice cream truck.

"Here we are." Booth said.

"Can I take my blindfold off yet?"

"No."

"Oh. What is it?"

"It's a pool. We're gonna go skinnydipping."

"Yaaayyy!"

"Okay. We jump on three."

"It's kinda hot here." She noticed. Booth looked over the edge of the bubbling volcano in front of him. "Uhh, it's a Jacuzzi."

"Oh. Yay! Fun!"

"Okay, 1,2,3!"

Hannah jumped.

"Yaaaaaaaa-" SPLASH


	20. Up Well, down

**J- no, this hasn't been abandoned! Well, it has. By A. Evil. She quit. SO just assume they're all written by J now, who is the official author, DARWIN51, who is me. So.**

"Dad, dad, look!" Parker cried as they walked through the park. He pointed at an ice cream stand.

"Sorry bud, I don't have any money." Booth replied. It was a lie, but he just didn't want to buy parker an ice cream.

"Parker, I've been meaning to tell you this…" Booth started

Parker looked up at his dad with tears in his eyes and his lip quivering. "I'm a wizard?"

"No. Wait, what? You've been watching too much TV. What I meant to say was that if you ever see Hannah again, I want you to run, okay? She's evil" Booth said

"Oh, I know that, dad. That's why I have this!" Parker pulled a double-barrel shotgun out of his pants.

"Hey, where'd you-"

Then he pulled out a missile launcher.

"Okay, how did you fit-"

Then he pulled out a tank-

"Okay stop!"

"What?"

"Put those away. Quick, before someone sees you."

Parker shoved the shotgun and the missile launcher and the tank back in his pocket.

"Never use those, okay, they're bad!" Booth leaned in closer and whispered "Unless you have to…"

They continued walking, until Parker spotted a balloon stand. "Dad, dad, can I, please?"

"NO"

"I know you have money."

"No I don't!"

"That's okay, it's free balloon day!" The vender chimed in.

"Parker! Get down!" Booth pushed him behind a tree. They leaned out to see what Booth was looking at. "Hannah.." Parker whispered

"Parker, get your gun and tank and-"

"Shut it, pops." Parker narrowed his eyes. " I have an idea"

Parker walked out and got some balloons from the vender. Then he walked over to Hannah, holding the balloons behind his back, as if she couldn't see them. Actually, being as stupid as she is, she really couldn't.

"Hey Parker! Gootchie gootchie goo!" She pinched his cheeks.

Parker threw a pile of leaves in the air, and Hannah watched them all fall to the ground in amazement. While she was distracted, he tied 6 balloons to each of her arms, then stepped back and waited for her to float away.

But she was too fat so she stayed on the ground and got hit by a truck.

The end.


	21. Ch 20 alternate ending

**ALTERNATE ENDING TO CHAPTER 20 "up. Well, down"**

Parker threw a pile of leaves in the air, and Hannah watched them fall to the ground in amazement. While she was distracted, Parker tied 17 balloons to each of her arms.

"Wow, leaves!" Hannah exclaimed, unaware that she was beginning to float off the ground.

As she got higher and higher, Booth ran over. "Good job, buddy!"He high-fived Parker.

Suddenly, Booth noticed a helicopter.

They both pulled out umbrellas and shrieked with joy when Hannah floated up into the propellers, chopping into a million chunks and they fell to the ground.

"Well, looks like shit just hit the fan." Booth said

"Literally"

**a/n I might be getting another co-writer, Jimmy! I'll let ya know when he starts making or influencing chapters.**


	22. Hannah Banana

**This one was inspired by Kianna, (okay, well it actually happened to us lol!) she said Hannah gets eaten by an oversized Jamaican carnival banana! Just so ya know, 99% of this story really happened. The only difference is that it's from angela and parker's perspective, and no one actually got eaten.**

Angela and Parker walked through the gates of Sunny Hills International Tents (S.H.I.T), a traveling fair/circus. They had the day together since Brennan and Booth were on vacation.

"Alright Parker, what do you want to do first?"

"The rollercoaster then the ferris wheel then the midway-"

"Okay okay, calm down, squirt. Let's do the roller coaster first."

They headed for the roller coaster, but as they approached, they heard this horrible screaming sound coming from the coaster. Angela brushed it off, figuring it must be a little kid, and they got in line. They were only in line for a minute, though, before an announcement was made that someone had fallen out of the rollercoaster because he had no legs.

"Look, right there, it _says_. 'must have at least two working legs and one working arm to ride coaster'" Parker said.

_At least?_ Angela wondered. "Umm… right." She replied. "There's still the ferris wheel and the midway, let's go."

The two got on the ferris wheel without any trouble. Some annoying kids in the thingy above them were spazzing out and throwing parachute men at the people below. When Angela and Parker were on their way down, Angela swore she saw a familiar blond head. "Parker! Look!"

"What? I don't see anything."

"Look, there's-" But she didn't finish because one of the parachute men landed on her head and she completely forgot what she was saying.

"I…I forgot." She said.

When they got off, the kids who were throwing parachute men were promptly arrested, and Angela and Parker headed toward the midway.

When they got there, Angela saw the same blond head at one of the games. She dragged Parker over to see.

"Look, lady. It's simple. Just throw the rings, if it lands on a bottle, you win. Got it?" The grumpy man with a New York accent growled at Hannah.

"Right, so if it bounces off a bottle, or touches a bottle, I win!" She exclaimed.

"No! If it lands around the neck of a bottle, then you win."

"Oh, right." Hannah threw all of the rings, and they all landed in the booth next door.

"I win! I win!" She cried, jumping up and down.

The man literally growled this time "Get out before I call security!"

"Hannah? Why are you here?" Angela, instead of ignoring Hannah like Booth, preferred to confront her, especially since she was at a kids carnival, without any kids.

"yes, I have bouncy balls to share!" Hanna exclaimed, taking feathers out of her pocket and throwing them in the air. "Here, have some!" She stuffed some feathers in Angela's mouth.

Angela spit the feathers in Hannah's face, where they stuck.

Parker leaned toward Angela and whispered "Dad told me her mental health was slowly deteriorating."

"Ahh. I see." Angela said.

"Well of course, Hannah, you can go share your bouncy balls with those nice people over there." Angela pointed at a group of people who were standing at another ring toss booth, where an Israeli teen was throwing rings and getting them on every time.

Hanna trotted over just as the man at the booth was handing the kid a giant Jamaican banana, which he promptly gave to the girl next to him in an attempt to flirt.

Hannah, with feathers stuck to her face, began pelting the two people with feathers, screaming "SUCK MY BOUNCY BALLS MORGAN FREEMAN! HOW DO YA LIKE THAT?" The banana, who was twice the size of Hannah, opened its mouth wide and in one big bite, ate Hannah whole.

Parker and Angela happily skipped away. Parker started singing "Hannah banana fofanna-"

"Stop." Angela said.

**Ahh that's the end, keep throwing me ideas!**


	23. Snow Red

**Inspired by Amaira Spark's suggestion**

"Dad, you can't DO that!" Parker whined

"Yes, I can. It is a perfectly reasonable punishment."

"This is horrible parenting" Parker muttered.

Parker had gotten in a fight at his school, and to teach him a lesson about what happens when he misbehaves, Booth arranged to have Hannah babysit him for an hour.

Booth drove Parker over to Hannah's house, then left immediately.

"_help us, help us!_" The walls and the lamps and everything in Hannah's house whispered as he walked down the hall to the living room.

He pushed the door open with a creeeak, to find Hannah cross-legged on the floor, staring up at the TV with a derp face on, watching Snow White.

"H-Hannah?" Parker asked, scared to be there.

"Have a seat, child."

The two of them finished watching Snow White, and while they were watching, Parker got an idea.

When it was over, Hannah cried like a baby.

"Hannah, did you know that you can sing just like Snow White, and all the adorable woodland creatures will come running to hear you, just like Snow White?"

"R-Really?"

"Pshh oh yeah, totally" Parker replied.

"Like, OMG! Lets' try it!" Hannah ran out into the woods behind her house, Parker following close behind with a video camera.

Hannah found a clearing and began to sing in a terrible voice:

"Sommeeewheerrreee oover the rainbow! Way u-"

All the woodland creatures gathered around. Chipmunks, deer, baby deer, grandpa deer, third cousin twice removed deer, porcupines and bears came from all sides of the clearing. All at once, they jumped out from the side of the clearing and ate her to bits. The porcupine stabbed, the deer kicked, the third cousin twice removed deer complained about its relationship problems, and the bears ripped her flesh.

Parker giggled as he got it all in tape.

It was an instant youtube hit.


	24. Chuck-E-Cheeses

A/N I'm backkk! So so sorry for the wait, After this I've got two more ideas and a Christmas chapter that's mostly written. Sorry if this one is short, the Christmas one will not be short, I promise.

Anything recognizable I do not own.

J

Cam walked in with a large bag and threw it on the table. With force. "These remains were found in a tanning bed. If you can solve this case today, I will take you all to Chuck-E-Cheeses tonight." Everybody sprouted jetpacks and flew over out of pure excitement for Chuck-E-Cheeses.  
>Angela held a sketchbook, but once she saw the skull, she immediately declared "This person was ugly." And walked away.<br>Brennan scanned the body with a magnifying glass. Everyone awaited the results.  
>"Paper" she commanded.<br>Sweets handed her a pad of paper.  
>"Pen" Sweets handed her a pen.<br>"Ruler" Sweets handed her a ruler.  
>"Screwdriver" Sweets frowned in confusion and handed her a screwdriver.<br>She ate it.  
>"Sombrero" she commanded. Sweets handed her a sombrero and she placed it upon her head.<br>"Put on a grass skirt and dance the hula."  
><em>"What."<em>  
>"Just do it, it helps me focus."<br>"No!"  
>"Do what the woman says, Lance." said Batman. From working with all these mentally ill and insane people, Sweets had developed a mental illness too. He had a constant commentary from Batman in his head.<br>"Fine." He muttered, dancing the hula in a grass skirt and coconut bra, rolling his eyes.  
>"Thank you." Brennan said and began to write complicated calculations on the paper, making measurements. 6 hours later she finally stood up and declared loudly: "I have reached a conclusion." waking everyone up. They all gathered around.<br>"And..?" Cam asked.  
>"This person was a bitch."<br>"…..Oh. In that case," Cam scooped the remains into the trash can. "Chuck-E-Cheeses, on me!" Everybody eagerly gathered and walked towards the door.  
>"I hope it was Hannah." Hodgins said. "Yeah" "yeah" "Mazel Tov" Everyone agreed.<br>"I wish it was me.." Depressing Fisher whined as he slit his wrists and dip-dyed his hair, with the full intention of attempting to drown himself in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheeses.  
>THE END<p>

(it was hannah)


	25. Merry Bitchmas

J

A/N Here's the Christmas one, it gets a little bloody at the end fair warning. Since I'm doing the Christmas one during Hanukkah, I'll try to do a Hanukkah one around Christmas time.

And this applies to all chapters: I do not own Bones or any recognizable references or characters.

* * *

><p>Everyone quietly watched Angela's holographic Christmas tree, because according to Brennan, it was a "silly" tradition to cut down millions of perfectly good, oxygen producing, squirrel housing, insect containing trees every year. There was a large stack of secret santa presents in the corner. Everyone hid in various places of Angela's office, waiting to see Santa Claus. Angela and Booth hid under the couch laying head to toe, Cam under the desk, Brennan on top the bookshelf, Hodgins stood behind the model skeleton in the exact same position as it, so as not to be seen. Sweets was in a plant, Vincent was in a drawer, and Zack in the ceiling.<p>

"Booth, your foot is on my face." Angela whispered. "Sorry" Booth shifted his foot, which only resulted in kicking her in the face again. She kicked him back. "Hey!" he yelled. She kicked him repeatedly. "Stop it! It was an accident!"  
>"Kick her, Booth!" yelled Vincent. "Women's rights!" Brennan cried. "Go back to the kitchen!" Booth yelled to Brennan. Sweets howled. "Oh it's on!" Brennan rolled up the sleeves of her Rudolph sweater. Hodgins roared like a territorial lion on heroin. "Hodgins, if you get into this, I will divorce you!" Angela told him. "It's because I'm black, isn't it?" Hodgins asked "All a brotha want is a little 'spect around here!"<br>"…I respect you Hodgins…" Zack whispered, slowly extending his hand down from the ceiling. Booth kicked Angela again. "Hey! Women's rights!" She yelled. "Pickle's rights!" Hodgins mocked. It grew silent.

"Pickles really should have rights…" Vincent said quietly. "yeah" "yeah" "yeah" everyone had a moment of silence for the lack of equality for pickles in this world.  
>Cam sniffed the air "Do I smell…garlic?" "In case Santa's a vampire." Zack explained. They still couldn't see him. "Oh." Cam said, as if it was perfectly reasonable. "I bet Santa's a racist" Hodgins said.<br>"Guys shhhh! We don't want to scare Santa away!" Booth hissed. "Do you hear that?" He asked "I think it's him!"  
>"He's here! He's here!" Vincent cried. "Shut up!" Hodgins said. A big shadow loomed in the doorway. "It's the Great Pumpkin! I knew it! I knew it!" Vincent whispered. Hodgins threw a shoe at him.<br>Santa stumbled in, drinking from a vodka bottle. He carelessly threw a sack under the "tree", took the bowl of mints from Angela's desk, and left.  
>Everyone fell out of their hiding places and ran over to the tree. It was a very large sack. Booth pulled out the only present in the sack: a long box wrapped in cute wrapping paper with little bones and severed body parts on it. "Stop!" Angela yelled. "Secret Santa first"<br>Everyone grumbled and Angela grabbed the first present in their stack. "To Cam" She handed the box to Cam. She opened the box. "A femur! Oh, you shouldn't have!" She picked the bone out of the box. "It's Hannah's" Sweets said. "You're not supposed to let her know it was from you!" Angela said, slapping him. "Vincent" she called. Vincent took the box and opened it. "Wow! 3 toes and a nose!" "Also Hannah's" Brennan said. "Bren!" Angela said in annoyance.  
>"This tradition is silly. I am going to take full credit for anything I give." Brennan said. "Fine." Angela said. "Y'know, I've had THREE broken noses before." Booth boasted. "Haha, whoa, how many noses can one person have?" Sweets joked. Silence. "I'll show myself out." He said. "Aanyways, this is for Hodgins." Angela said. Hodgins eagerly tore open the paper. "A burned hand! Cool!" he said excitedly. "It's not Hannah's…" Zack whispered, holding up a stub where his right hand should be. "…Creepy." Hodgins said.<br>"This one's for me" Angela said. She opened the small box "Woww! A necklace of teeth! Thank you whoever you are!" "They're Hannah's" Booth said. Everyone decided to just screw the whole "secret" in secret santa. "This one is Zack's" Zack opened the present "A humerus!" Zack began gnawing on it like a dog. "It's Hannah's" Angela said with pride. Sweets opened his present next. "Pelvic bone! Yesss!" He cheered as he wore it like a hat. "It's Hannah's" Hodgins said modestly.

Booth couldn't wait any longer. He grabbed the large box that was labeled his, and tore it open. "A complete spine!" He held it up for a picture. "Wow, thank you so much!" Booth hugged it. "It's Hannah's" Vincent said with his silly accent.

"Last but not least, this one's yours, Bren." Brennan took the box, and carefully opened the top. She lifted out a skull, in perfect condition. "Wowww" She whispered "It's just what I wanted! It completes my collection!" Everyone gave her weird looks. "How did you know?" she said happily. "It's Hannah's." Cam said.

"Does everyone like their Christmas presents?" Angela asked. "I loved it!" "yeah!" "I'M JEWISH!" Sweets yelled.

After a short and awkward silence, everyone gathered around the present Santa had left. There was a single tag on it "It's Hannah's" Booth read. He tore open the package. It was a large bin. "Might one call it a _loony _bin? Huh? Huh?" Sweets joked. Everyone glared at him. "I'll show myself out." He said ashamed. Booth slowly lifted the lid off the bin. Everyone peered in to see Hannah's remaining body parts floating in her blood.  
>"ORGAN FIIIIGHT!" Hodgins roared at the top of his lungs. Everyone began picking parts out of the bin and taking sides. Organs exploded like red water balloons as they hit everyone. Zack used the small intestine as a lasso, and Brennan was shouting out the name of every body part she saw as it hit people. Angela smacked Booth in the face with a foot "PAYBACK'S A BITCH!"<br>Through the chaos of organs flying everywhere, no one was able to find a heart or brain. Vincent had gotten a cannon from the artifacts room and loaded it with organs. "FOR PICKLES!" he shouted as he shot the organs in rapid fire.

It was the best Christmas they ever had. Except for Sweets. Because he's jewish. And tells really bad jokes. The end.

* * *

><p>AN and here's the good news! One of the next chapters will be a Lion King one, where each Bones character is cast as a Lion King character and put through the plot! Fun! Oh yeah and every review makes my week, and suggestions are ALWAYS welcome!


	26. The Bitch and The Superman

J

A/N Well I found this at the bottom of the closet so here ya go! Based on real events im not kidding. Not sure if I posted this one already…

"C'mon, C'mon pleeeeease?" Parker begged, tugging Booth in the direction of the _SUPERMAN_, the biggest roller coaster in the park.

"No way, bud. I heard someone fell out of it and died!"

"But Daaadd that's only because he didn't have any legs! Besides, it's only broken down _7 times_ in the past week! That's a record low!"

"I'll go with him!" Hannah said, appearing out of literally freaking nowhere.

"HANNAH! Jeez! Quit stalking us!" Booth jumped in surprise.

"C'mon Parker, let's go. Bonding time! Yaay!" Hannah dragged Parker away "Dad Noooo!"

"Hey kid. You're not tall enough." One of the workers said.

"Yesss." Parker breathed.

"Eh, at least he has legs. We'll let him on." The man pushed them through.

After standing in line for 5 hours, they were put in the coaster to go. "Hey, Parker, are you nervous?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're ugly."

"Hey!"

"And stupid."

FWOOSHH

The ride started up the hill. Hannah and Parker sat second to the front. Suddenly, the ride got stuck. A worker climbed the stairs and did a thing and the car started working again. This happened 3 more times on the way up. Finally, they rushed down the drop, and 3 people in the back fell out.

"Wohooo!" Parker screamed. Suddenly the car in front of them burst into flames. The people in the car burned up and exploded into bits. The whole cart in front of them came unhinged, flew off a curve, and hit the bystanders below.

"Yaay! We're in front!" Parker exclaimed while Hannah screamed in terror "Does this normally happen?!" "Just loosen up! And yeah…yeah this does normally happen."

Hannah put her arms up in the air, and her arm got cut off by a bar on the coaster. "Holy shit that was awesome!" Parker screamed. Someone in the back of the coaster caught the arm and screamed "JACKPOT!"

"NOO! That was my perfume testing arm!" Hannah cried. Parker just howled with laughter.

Finally the car came to a stop. "Thank you for riding the Superman, please wait for the ride to come to a complete stop before exiting. Do not leave any body parts on the coaster, and visit our gift shop!"

Hannah and Parker stumbled out and the next people got in. Hannah looked back and saw a man patting his son's shoulder saying "This, son, is where you earn your balls." Hannah suddenly became worried that she might've grown balls from being on the coaster.

At the gift shop, they were selling replacement limbs. Hannah contemplated buying an arm so she checked the price. "Sixteen dollars!? That's a rip off. I lost my arm for free!" Hannah paid and put on the arm. M Night Shyamalan was standing by the pictures of riders, buying them for his new movie "Outcasts Of Hell"

Hannah dragged Parker out of the shop and returned to Booth.

"How'd it g- …Hannah?"

"Yes Seeley?"

"Your arm is black."

"…oh. Well I suppose it is."

Booth facepalmed himself.

"Hey Hannah," Parker said "See that line over there? They're giving out FREE lip gloss." He pointed to the line for the Superman.

"FREEE?" Hannah screeched.

Parker rubbed his ear in pain. "Yes, absolutely free!"

Hannah sprinted back into line, waving her colorful arms around in the air.

Parker and Booth chuckled and headed off to get some Dip'n Dots and play mini golf.

The end. Of this chapter. There will be more. You can't escape my twisted mind just yet. Please review. Thanks!


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